How I Became Icarus
by dreamerswaking
Summary: He tried so hard. But one can only go so high before the inevitable fall. Sam's reflection on his choices. Takes place pre-season 6. *mild spoilers if you haven't seen the finales of 4 and 5*


How I became Icarus

Written by: Dreamerswaking

**AN: This idea has been nagging at the back of my mind since the season 5 finale. I finally wrote it just so it would leave me alone. I hope you enjoy it. As always reviews are appreciated. Like it? Hate it? I want to know how i can improve and write stories you'd like to read. That being said... have at!**

_I remember back from my mythology class the story of Icarus. I clearly can see in my mind Prof. Davis standing in the auditorium giving his lecture on one of the most well known myths in existence. I thought to myself how foolish Icarus was. He was warned. Why didn't he listen? _

_Now, years later I'm filled with a kinship for poor Icarus. _

_My maze was not in a city nor was it tangible to the human flesh. Mine was in the words and actions and the dealings of those around me. Soon I was a prisoner of my own ambition and the careful maneuvering of those with power. I blindly followed where I was led. _

_There was no great defining moment where I said to myself, "The apocalypse sounds nice. I think I'll start one of those." At times it seemed everyone was against me; Angels, demons and towards the end even family. Eventually I stood alone._

_Dean, my brother, left me in the end. I was trying to protect him. I refused to acknowledge that I was trying to save someone who had already been delivered up. Hell bent on revenge with a chip on my shoulder I lied and betrayed Dean all the while telling myself it was for the greater good. Maybe it was, maybe I was doing what I believed was right but I was so lost in darkness that looking back on it now I can't say for sure._

_The darkness didn't fall upon me rapidly. It was a slow shift, gradually taking over my thoughts, actions and beliefs. I had my wings and I was enjoying the freedom they gave me, the power that filled my chest. I got caught up in it all and the winds of fate took me higher and higher. Little by little my wings were melting and I didn't even notice. _

"Demon Blood Sam?" Dean was angry and frustrated and I could see why but he wasn't even trying to understand. Any attempt at explanation was cut off with a harsh word or and even harsher fist. Couldn't he see that I was only trying to help? To_ rise_ above this curse I'd been dealt?

"You'd trust a demon over your own brother?" It wasn't that I trusted her more it's just that she seemed more reliable. She was there for me when I believed I was all alone. She didn't look at me different or condemn me for what I was. She _lifted_ my spirits when I was all but buried. Ruby helped me make it through those 4 months.

Even now, Dean just wasn't all there anymore. He wasn't my big brother. Hell had changed him and I just couldn't add my burdens to his shoulders. I would kill Lilith for him... and for me.

_Then it was too late I rose too high and my wings were too tattered, too melted to fly. Dean couldn't catch me and save me from this no one could. He could only watch in horror as I fell._

The light from Lucifer's release was so bright and breathtakingly horrifyingly beautiful. With Lilith and Ruby dead and Satan rising I knew I had crashed. As I stood there in shock swaying in exhaustion, pain and disbelief I knew. I knew there was no salvaging this.

Dean can't even bare to look at me sometimes. And once he found out I was Lucifer's vessel… we reunited on that dusty path but he still hasn't forgiven me and neither have I. My pride was extinguished and I was at my most humble but it was far too little and far too late.

_The funny thing about falling is that while it's happening to you it seems as if it's in slow motion. There were times throughout the next year as we worked to stop Lucifer that it would seem as if my wings were healing, cooling and hardening and maybe they did a little but they were just too misshapen and ugly to be of any use really._

_Every once in awhile a strong wind would lift me a foot before I continued my plunge. We'd have a good hunt, we'd drink a beer, Dean would smile and call me Sammy; but I was falling and no one could catch me. The evidence of my mistake haunted me everywhere I turned. It was truly unbearable, the shame and regret building and radiating from my core, and it was less than I deserved._

I made Dean promise not to get me out. I made him promise to take the apple pie life and live it to it's fullest. I was still falling and as I fell past Dean I wanted to make sure he knew I loved him. He had helped me to fly so many other times lifting and carrying me when I was weakest. I needed him to know that it wasn't his fault that I fell.

The day I said 'yes' I thought I could fix everything, that I could regain my strength and fly straight again. It turns out that the devil was stronger than me. I couldn't break free and I couldn't end what I started. I couldn't do anything, I was trapped completely powerless in a prison of my own making.

It was only when Lucifer went after Dean that I found my strength. Lucifer may have been stronger than me but he wasn't stronger than the love I have for my brother. In the end I guess it was Dean who stopped the apocalypse after all. I never could have done it without him. He gave me the key to stopping Lucifer years ago back before I could even talk; there's no way that anyone or anything can stand against the love of a brother.

_Impact isn't what I imagined; it's much worse in fact. But now that I'm gone at least the world is safe. Dean will miss me as much as Icarus' father mourned him, at least I hope he will miss me. I imagine him sitting in the impala making his way to Lisa and Ben wounded. But I know he will heal and move on in a way that I never could seem to manage. _

_Maybe someday Dean or Chuck will tell the story of how the world almost ended and perhaps future generations will begin to use me as an example alongside Icarus of why you should listen to those who love you. Be careful and don't fly to high for your wings are fragile and I want you with me on the other side._

_Icarus and I… we flew too high. _


End file.
